field
Jan 042017
 

Wait a minute…
This is a Deja-vu, I know that it is.
I have been here before…
I need just a moment to find my grounding again, because my emotions and my thoughts are in a feedback loop with each other and something is definitely growing inside of me.

I am recognizing it now. It is the deafening silence of inner recognition that a year is ending and a new one is beginning. This recognition is powerful. I need to be only allowing, and in an instant, it will grow into a Walmart-size monster.

Why?
Why does it have such an irrational effect? It is after all, just another day. December 31st or January 1st. So what?
What’s the big deal?
What makes it any different than April 15th or September 3rd?

And sure enough – I’ve been here before so many times. One would think I’d be so familiar with this, and immune, so as to dismiss the entire thing altogether.

Ordeal? Really?
[Sigh]

Perhaps it is like an alarm clock going off in the middle of the night. We suddenly wake up, whether from deep sleep or from a busy dream, to confront a reminder: only two hours left before night is over. OVER!
Maybe that’s what New Year’s is like; placing a finger on the gauge that reads “Birth” on one side and “Death” on the other. And every year [Oh Lordy], the finger gets farther away from the “Birth” end.

Or perhaps it’s more akin to an hourglass that has just ran its course. And now we contemplate the projects, ideas, relationships, jobs, relocations and everything else that we’ve set in motion this passing year. When we did, we had hopes and expectations and now, we stop for a moment… Did it go the way we hoped that it would?
Did we give it enough time?
How much time will it take before we feel it’s enough and try something else?

All of this could theoretically be simply a mental process of evaluation and reevaluation, but somehow, strong emotions are finding their way into this. Why should they? They have no business here. This is just a periodic business meeting between the person that I’ve been a little while back, with the person that I am today. That’s all – a business meeting. What are all these powerful emotions doing here?

Maybe I’m now beginning to see certain things that I’ve been avoiding, perhaps even subconsciously, thinking that they would somehow be resolved. Perhaps their disharmony is becoming more obvious and unpleasant.

I stop. I’m blanking out into this awe-some realm of a continuously-increasing-silence. Without a thought left to think. Without a single emotion left to squeeze, or be squeezed by.

I start laughing. A recognition emerges. A feeling that I’m an actor, playing out a role. I’m getting some leeway to improvise, but I’m not the director. I didn’t write the script and I have no idea what the script is. I’m just receiving it one page at a time as I’m playing my role one day at a time. I may as well be crying, being torn apart by the anxiety of uncertainty, but somehow I end up laughing. It’s just all so ridiculous.

I’m amazed at how easy it is for me to see everything with such utter seriousness. And at times when I’m lucky enough, I could – in an instant – become a bystander and recognize this person (me, that is), looking oh so serious. And at that instant I become amused. I have just been offered a different set of eyes. I’ve been just set free.

May we all be blessed with an occasional borrowed set of eyes, so as to become both relieved as well as entertained and gain the grace of perspective.

Happy New Year

~ Oded Ben-Ami